Doctor John had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: 'John, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, John.'
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering,
'John you're a Veterinarian, you sicko.'
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's when the fight started...
News tonight.
A woman, very mad at her husband, tried to pull a Laurene Bobbit on him.
She missed the old lad but cut his leg very badly.
They could only charge her with a misstheweener.
Do Memes count?
Cool meme, Teri ... I stole it :grin:
Sal, call this one revenge :wink:
A guy living on a bay in Florida befriended a dolphin and became obsessed with it. He spent every moment possible swimming with it, petting it, etc. Then his job was transferred to Georgia and he had to move. Unable to do without his friend, he bought a house with the largest swimming pool he could find and set it up for the dolphin. When he was ready, he went back, captured his old friend and returned to Georgia. He got away with it, but the dolphin refused to eat anything he was given. The only thing the dolphin had eaten were a few small fish that were inadvertently trapped when it was trapped. So the guy decides to go back to the bay, catch a huge load of small fish and take them back in his truck. As soon as he crossed back into Georgia, the cops pull him over. The huge load of fish looked suspicious so they investigate. The charge? Transporting minnows across the State line for an illegal porpoise.
Why did the Buddhist refuse Novocaine when he had a tooth pulled?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
That's when the fight started.
A lady called the pub and asked for Murphy. Bartender said he's not here. Lady sad, If you see him, tell him I'm going to get pregnant about 9 O'clock, if he wants to be here.
God sees that Adam is lonely in the garden, so he goes down and tells him that he can make a woman for him, but he'll need to take a part of him to ensure a match.
Adam: Whats a woman?
God : A wonderful being made similar to you but with differences to compliment your form. She'll be intelligent, wise, beautiful, funny, cook for you, clean for you, and have sex whenever you want.
Adam: That sounds amazing! What will it cost me?
God: An arm and a leg.
Adam: That's pretty steep. What can I get for a rib?
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
>
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SHE HUGGED ME!
Not thats funny!!!!! :cheesy:
good one iddee :grin:
My wife says I'm the only one she's ever been with
and that all the rest were 8s and 9s.
Well; you should feel blessed for her to say that! On the scale from 0-10 you must be a registered10 in her book!
Advice: Give the good woman a kiss and take her out to dinner ASAP! Then a genuine huge before you leave the restaurant as you exit the door.
To put you on such a high scale, she deserves it! Apparently you both do!!!
WAIT!!!!
I don't think Ben got the joke.
Ben. ...He's the only 1.
Get it? 1
All the rest were 8's and 9's. He's a 1! (Face palm emoji here)
Ah! The beauty of an innocent mind.
Sal
Maybe it's me?
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So, Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
Sal, I think he missed the fact that I was telling a joke. He knows enough about the wife and I to know what's said in the joke, doesn't apply to us.
but ...
Quote from: Ben Framed on May 24, 2024, 01:34:19 AM
Advice: Give the good woman a kiss and take her out to dinner ASAP! Then a genuine huge before you leave the restaurant as you exit the door.
If I do that before we leave the restaurant, pretty sure We'll get arrested. :wink:
and that makes it sound like dinner is foreplay ... I can dig it :cheesy:
Goodness boys! Some folks apparently go back through puberty a second time in their old age. While it seems others never left it! :shocked: lol. :cheesy: :wink:
PS please remember to be careful with your wording, even in the joke section.
geez, you sound like my wife :shocked: always the adult :grin: ... but ... I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me eternal youth, or I'll be childish. I think Patrick Henry might've said something like that, Ben Franklin for sure. :wink: so yes dear, I'll try to be more careful and I promise to not post the stuff I think is really funny :cry: :cheesy:
in other news ..
A man celebrating his birthday at 101 had a heart attack, was rushed to hospital, but the prognosis didn't look good. While everyone was gathered around his deathbed he confessed to his favorite granddaughter, "I'm scared. It's been 25 years since your grandma passed and now it's my time."
To comfort him she tearfully says, "but grandpa, you're not really dying, and grandma is waiting for you in heaven." He replies, "I know, that's what I'm afraid of."
> geez, you sound like my wife :shocked: always the adult :grin:
Well sometimes it is more fun to be the child! That I?ll admit. lol :cheesy: :wink: ,
but we do have bylaws, and out of respect for beemaster forums and those bylaws, and our Adult members and guest. . .
And let?s not forget the younger guest who view this forum. We had just yesterday alone, viewers in the upper hundreds viewing Beemaster. 😊 Probabaly from all walks of life.
so ... wife wanted to make some tuna salad to take to some partyish thing for the daughter. She and the kid went back and forth deciding on how much to make and asked me to go pick the stuff up at the store. I was paying attention as well as could be expected (I thought) and went to the store. Got the onions celery and some other stuff, but that "unsure feeling" crept over me so I texted.
Me: How many cans of tuna did you guys decide on?
Wife: 6!
(seemed like she was a little irritated)
Me: I haven't counted, but I'm pretty sure they don't have 720 cans at this store.
Wife: (response censored due to by-laws)
Can one print a joke with the word *boobies* here?
Asking for a friend.
Sal
QuoteWife: (response censored due to by-laws)
Good job animal! :cheesy: :wink: :grin:
Quote from: Salvo on May 24, 2024, 02:29:02 PM
Can one print a joke with the word *boobies* here?
Asking for a friend.
Sal
My guess is that what he typoed/(I said) set him off ... 'cause nobody wants to see that.
I can't imagine why anyone would not want to see *boobies*... well, unless they're iddee's boobies (or mine :shocked:). Then again, don't think I want to see yours either. :cheesy:
... looks to me like you got away with it ...
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. Rabbit says, "I think I'm a typo."
All right! Here goes nutthin'.
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Warren to see about enlarging her breasts.
Dr Warren told her, "Everyday after your shower, rub your (that word here) and say, 'Scooby, doobie, doobies, I want bigger (that word here)."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew great (that word here)!
One morning she was running late for work, got on the bus and realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely (that word here) if she didn't do the little rhyme, she got right out there in the aisle and started quietly chanting "Scooby, doobie, doobies, I want bigger (that word here)."
A guy sitting nearby asked, "Are you a patient of Dr. Warren's by any chance?"
"Why, yes, I am. How did you know?"
He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory, dickory, dock ... "
and they all moved away from Sal on the group W bench ...
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.
No shotgun blast from the mods, so ..
What kind of bees give milk?
boobees !
Why do mermaids wear seashells ?
because their boobs are too big for b shells
Size chart:
A ......Almost
B ......Barely
C ......Cool
D ......Dang !
DD.....Double dang !
DDD ... not really a name for the size, men are just stuttering
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the
door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an
old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first
the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall
down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing
both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the heck are you doing,
Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in
the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to
a tractor'."
Quote from: Salvo on May 24, 2024, 05:47:31 PM
All right! Here goes nutthin'.
Quote from: animal on May 25, 2024, 03:42:37 PM
No shotgun blast from the mods, so ..
Everything is within the rules at this point, but don't let this spiral out of control and get out of hand or too off-color. Sal, you've had uncounted warnings and a suspension or two for going overboard on stuff like this, and that last post of yours is toeing the line in my opinion. And animal, you do nothing but brag about your dirty mind. So please stay within acceptable limits. Have fun, but keep it clean, everybody!
sorry, just meant to display ... I'm flattered that you took it as bragging, though.
also sorry that my last jokes have been so old, it's hard to stay a breast of the new ones.
I've been working on a new nipple joke, but it still needs more tweaking.
edit: and I can sort of understanding Sal getting suspended in the past ... as I am also supportive of his brand of humor.
Quote from: animal on May 25, 2024, 08:08:03 PM
also sorry that my last jokes have been so old, it's hard to stay a breast of the new ones.
I've been working on a new nipple joke, but it still needs more tweaking.
Hardy har.
A scientist found he could keep his dolphins alive forever if he only fed them seabirds. He went out and caught some, but, when he returned his lab, was shocked to find a lion sleeping right in front of the entrance. With no other way in, he summoned up his courage, tucked the birds under each arm, ran, jumped over the lion and into the lab. Immediately, agents from the FBI ran up and arrested him.
The charge?
"Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises"
A guy walks into a bar with a baby seal.
Bartender says "I have just what you need!"
and hands him a Canadian Club.
:grin: :grin:
A Jewish guy is really troubled and upset so he goes to his rabbi and spills it : "You're never gonna believe what happened to me! My son left home to see and experience the world and came back a Christian!"
Rabbi says, "You're never gonna believe what happened to me! My son left home to see and experience the world and he also came back a Christian!"
Not knowing what else to do, they start praying to God about their troubles.
God answers,"You're never gonna believe what happened to me! ..."
.
Terri,
At first I thought that was a picture of I-10 and US301. Same problem. Only difference is hopefully they wi bee done soon.
Jim Altmiller
I just assumed Florida highways were under perpetual construction :cheesy:
based on every time I've driven through.
I think Mississippi highways are laid complete ... and including new potholes from time of construction
you guys have almost certainly heard this one .. probably applies to every other joke I've posted, though .. and everyone needs to be punished sometimes ... so here goes ...
Centuries ago, back in the days of yore, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods. The convent had everything they needed: goats for milk, meat and cheese, fertile soil for a garden and grain field, a clear water spring, and even bees for honey. Being completely self-sufficient, they never needed to have any contact with the outside world. However, one day the plague swept through the land, infecting all of the sisters. Desperate for a cure, the mother superior prayed continuously for seven days and seven nights for a miracle.
On the seventh day of praying, the mother superior opened her eyes to the sight of one of the beehives seemingly glowing with a halo of light. Being a lady of profound faith, she immediately rushed over to the hive and opened it to find pieces of freshly drawn comb in the shape of robed angels hanging in the frames. She took these out and distributed them to the sisters. Each sister took one, rubbed some of it on the plague sores and consumed the remainder. By the next morning, all of their fevers had subsided and all of their plague sores had begun healing.
They rejoiced at the miracle, gave thanks, and that night the mother superior had a dream. In it, an angel appeared and told her that because of the strength of their faith, they had been blessed with a cure for all diseases; and as long as they kept it a secret, and the bees were tended by a someone that was pure of heart, they would continue to be blessed with this miracle cure-all.
And so the sisters of the convent pledged to keep it a secret, and compounded it with olive oil to conceal its appearance when curing people of the nearby village or anyone brought to them. They shared its existence and passed down the care of the hive to only the purest and most devout nuns, generation after generation. However, as the years grew, faith dwindled in the world; and fewer and fewer dedicated themselves to service until all that remained of the convent was a lone sister and the hive.
Desperate to keep her convent's tradition and secret alive, she decided one day to journey out of the woods in search of a girl who was pure of heart. She reached the village which had grown to a bustling city and began her search. After watching and talking to many of the residents, she finally found a young girl who showed great promise. So, the nun approached the girl and explained that she was the keeper of an amazing secret, but that this secret could only be shared with a pure soul.
"Well, how do I know if my soul is pure ?" the young girl asked.
The sister thought about this for a moment and replied, "Try praying continuously for seven days and seven nights, stopping only for sleep and food when necessary. At the end, surely we?ll be given a sign of your purity."
And so the young girl locked herself in her room and did as the nun suggested. But after seven days and seven nights, neither received a sign.
"Hmmm" thought the nun. "Maybe you didn't pray long enough? Try praying continuously again, but this time for a month."
Trusting the holy woman, the young girl agreed and locked herself in her room again, this time for 30 full days and 30 nights. However, once again, no sign appeared.
The sister thought about it for a long while, and hit upon an idea. Since a sign is a gift and not a payment for devotion, setting a certain time period for prayer could be the wrong way to go about things. She told the girl, "We can try praying together for as long as we can and perhaps we will receive the gift of a sign. And so they did, day after day and night after night."
After many months they were both mentally and physically exhausted and the girl had finally reached her breaking point.
She confronted the old nun. "You told me that if I prayed continuously for 7 days, it would be revealed whether or not my soul was pure. Then you told me a month. Then that we must pray together for as long as it takes. I can?t go on like this. Either tell me what this amazing secret is or I have to give up!"
Dejected and having lost hope, herself at her own breaking point, the old sister sadly looked at the young girl and replied, "it's a nun of yore's beeswax."
:cheesy: :wink:
Customer approached a worker in a health food store that stocks a pretty good line of all kinds of different specialty honeys
Customer: *holds up jar* ?Excuse me. This honey? is it from free-range bees??
- -
While a customer is eating on the outside patio, she is stung by a bee and has an allergic reaction that requires medical assistance. Later, when she contacts the restaurant requesting to be reimbursed for the medical bills, the restaurant?s representative politely asks:
Rep: ?Did you see the bee that stung you??
Customer: ?Yes.?
Rep: ?Well, was the bee wearing our uniform? And if so, did you happen to get her name from the name tag?? *pause for answer* ?Since she was not one of our employees, there is nothing I can do for you.?
A man is staggering and weaving down the street at 3am when he is stopped by the police. The well endowed lady cop asks him where he is going at this hour and the man replies "I'm heading to a lecture on alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The cop responds "really? who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies "that would be my wife."
Not amused, the cop says, "I'm arresting you for public drunk. Anything you say can and will be held against you."
The drunk replies, "boobies !"
Let's see if they give me the boot for this one.
A woman comes home and tells her husband, *Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.*
*No more headaches?* the husband asks, *What happened?*
His wife replies, *Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat..... 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; ..... It worked!*
*The headaches are all gone?* The husband replies, *Well, that is wonderful.*
His wife then says, *You know, you haven't been exactly a 'Ball of Fire' in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?*
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, *Don't move, I'll be right back.*
He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, *Oh Boy! That was wonderful!*
The husband says, *Don't move! I will be right back.*
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, *Don't move, I'll be right back.*
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, *She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife...*
😊
And your still on BeeMaster. 🤗