Disorder In The Court...
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Is it true that if a persson dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt in' me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
rephrase that?
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wonde ring why I was d oing an
autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
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--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
ok...this ones are really hard to believe they actually happened. but...they are funny as hell!
Mici,
sad but true,these are some of the distractions lawyers perform before the juries.
bUT HUMOROUS TO OTHERS!
hehe funny kathy :-D
The lesson to be learned is stay out of the courts! In NJ a self described insane pedophile is said by his peers to have been an excellent judge!
Kathyp:
Konasdad is never going to send you a summons for one of his depositions.
Sincerely,
Brendhan
QuoteKonasdad is never going to send you a summons for one of his depositions
probably not, but i bet we'd have a good go at it.... :evil: :-D
Having been a cop who had to appear in court frquently I couldn't stop laughing. I've heard similar quips in court myself.
My niece just passed the Bar exam...guess who I sent this to??? EVEVERYONE IN THE FAMILY!
Never past a bar in my life.. I wonder what the exam entails..
Quote from: AllanJ on May 28, 2007, 08:11:47 PM
Never past a bar in my life.. I wonder what the exam entails..
Me neither but I have craweled out of a few. from what I understand the exam involves Tequillia. I don't remember much after that.
Sincerely,
Brendhan
OK guys, I read this to my husband just now, who could not stop laughing. Guess what he is?? A lawyer.
Thats Ok we wont hold it against you :lol:
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Thanks guys, You are the greatest!!!!
Annette