A Gift for the Wife!

[Frantz]

This is why we should all have guns to protect ourselves!!!

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & amp;
Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was
our 15nd Anniversary(March 6th), and I was looking for a little
something 'extra' for my wife.

I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized
taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no l ong-term adverse affect on the
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it
home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the thing,
and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to the Wife what
that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn' t be all THAT bad, with only
two triple-A batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my
recliner with my cat, Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions, and thinking that I really needed to try
this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for
only a fraction of a second) and then thought better
of it. She's such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against
a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work
as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top,
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser
in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorie nt your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms,
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would just be wasting the
batteries.

All the while, I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5' long, less than 3 /4 inch in
circumference; (pretty cute really, and loaded with
two little bitty, itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
thinking to myself, 'NO possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it
master,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that
bad...

I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for
the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed
us both on the carpet, over, and over, and over, and
over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I
had never heard before, licking my face, and
undoubtedly thinking to h erself, 'do it again, do it
again!'

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
with a taser, one note of caution: there is NO SUCH
THING as a 'one-second burst' , when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
on the floor. A three second burst would be considered
conservative. SON-OF-A-%#&**%#... that hurt!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel
of the fireplace. (How did they up get there???)

My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, and my bott om lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return.

Frantz

[poka-bee]

AAAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOLOLOLOL You brought tears to my eyes!!
Is this true Frantz?? I had to hand the computer to my hubby cause he was wondering what the heck bee people could say that was that funny! He cracked up too.  Can't wait to read what you will do next year!!
Jody :lol: :lol:

[Brian D. Bray]

HEE LARRY OUS!!!  I knew what was coming as soon as I read the word Taser.  Are you now an honorary member of the Darwin Club?

[Jerrymac]

You never tangled with electricity before have you? When you said,

"I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it."

I was thinking, "NO you idiot. You can't stop at one second."  :shock:

Sorry about the idiot thing.

[Kathyp]

that is to funny.  i'll stick to the gun.  it is unlikely that i'll feel compelled to test it on myself!

[Mici]

that is to funny.  i'll stick to the gun.  it is unlikely that i'll feel compelled to test it on myself!

thus, a gun is more "handler-friendly" :-D

[poka-bee]

Frants, did you give it to her?  You know, when she sees it she will know where the burnt spots on the microwave came from...better find your body parts quick before someone gets the vacuum out!! :evil: That was such a "guy" thing to do!

[johnnybigfish]

hey Frantz!

Do it AGAIN!!
But have your wife camcord it!
I think that will be the best gift for her!..I KNOW WE all will appreciate it!!
your friend,
john

[Cindi]

Frantz, holy smokin' mackerels!!!  I don't think that I have ever laughed so hard in my life, again, and again I laugh.  I thought that this was so funny that I copied it into a word document and sent it to my Husband, now I am awaiting him to get back up from his early morning nap and read it, when I see him laughing his guts out, I know that you have made his day too, here I sit, still laughing my guts out.  You are one crazeeee man, why on earth did you do that thing?  Right I know, you wanted to make people laugh, oh man oh man!!!  Have a beautiful day, hope you find all your body parts!!!  Cindi

[Kathyp]

cindi, that's funny!  my husband read it and emailed it to a friend.  i sent it to my brother.  i think we'll all be getting it back in about a week :-)

[Beekissed]

 THAT was priceless!!!!!!!!!!!!! RFLMAO!  And such a "guy" thing to do!  I bet your wife wanted an instant replay as she didn't get to see the demonstration....

[Frantz]

Guys, Guys, Guys, That was not me that did that. It was just a funny story that I added "we should all have guns". Thanks for all of you believing that I would be that stupid. Geeeesshh. I may live in UT and all but give a guy a break. I may be redneck and all but, I would never taser myself. Pick up a hot pan in the kitchen (multiple times) sure, shoot myself with a nail gun, sure, but a taser..... No &^%#^k'n way.
I am glad that you all liked it though. It seriously brought tears to my eyes as well.
I am pretty sure this it was my brother in law that did this and my sister in law sent it to us saying "look what our stupid friend did"
Yeah right!!!
Frantz

[Jerrymac]

Yeah right. Too late now. We know you're the one.  :-D

[johnnybigfish]

Hmmmm,...Sooooooo,...
Does this mean you're not going to do it again? :)

your friend,
john

[Cindi]

Frantz, OK you've done it!!!  YOu actually believe now that we believe that it wasn't really you, that you are just covering for a really strange thing that you did, hee, hee, I think it really was you, and I want my green snips back!!!  JP had no right to send them to you in that kit!!! (if you got the pink ones they are someone elses that JP snitched)  Mine were green. Have a beautiful and wonderfulest day, Cindi

[JP]

Frantz, if you didn't do it, you know that you want to, you know it!!! That was funny man!

...JP

[johnnybigfish]

I think we should rename Frantz "Sparky"!

your friend,
john

[poka-bee]

That's  a good one John! :-D

[JP]

That's  a good one John! :-D

Bahahahahaahahahahahahaha! Sparky!!! or Buzz!

...JP

[qa33010]

    Frantz!  Oh My GOSH!!!  It's 0220 and I was getting ready to go to bed, but I'm not tired now and thanks for the cleansing histerical laugh you gave me.  Aloe vera and I've used shae butter (the real stuff) to heal electrical burns, both entrance and exit points. ;)