HOW TO START A FIGHT

[Irwin]

>>>HOW TO START A FIGHT
>>>
>>>One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
>>>Christmas gift...
>>>The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
>>>When she asked me why, I replied,
>>>"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
>>>And that's how the fight started.....
>>>
>>> ______________________________
>>>
>>>My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
>>>were in
>bed.
>>>I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
>>>'No,' she answered. I then said,
>>>'Is that your final answer?'
>>>She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
>>>So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
>>>And that's when the fight started...
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>>
>>>I took my wife to a restaurant.
>>>The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
>>>"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
>>>He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
>>>"Nah, she can order for herself."
>>>And that's when the fight started.....
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>>
>>>My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
>>>she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone
>>>at a nearby table.
>>>I asked her, "Do you know him?"
>>>"Yes", she sighed,
>>>"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right
>>>after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober
since."
>>>"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
>>>that
>long?"
>>>And then the fight started...
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>>
>>>When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to
>>>me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something
>>>else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always
>>>something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to
make her point.
>>>When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
>>>busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
>>>silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone
>>>only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I
>>>said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."
>>>The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>>
>>>My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
>>>She asked, "What's on TV?"
>>>I said, "Dust."
>>>And then the fight started...
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>>
>>>Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
>>>slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the  van,
>>>and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
>>>blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
>>>radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went
>>>back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I
>>>cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
>>>whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
>>>My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
>>>husband is out fishing in that?"
>>>And that's how the fight started...
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>>
>>>My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
>>>She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."
>>>I bought her a bathroom scale.
>>>And then the fight started......
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>>
>>>After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
>>>Social Security.
>>>The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
>>>verify my
>age.
>>>I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
>>>I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
>>>and come back later.
>>>The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
>>>So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
>>>She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
>>>she processed my Social Security application..
>>>When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
>>>Social Security office...
>>>She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
>>>disability, too.'
>>>And then the fight started...
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>>
>>>My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
>>>She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible;
>>>I look old, fat and ugly.
>>>I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
>>>I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
>>>And then the fight started........
>>>
>>>
>>>=
>>   

[AllenF]

Those are all good :-D

[philinacoma]

I have tested all of them and, yep, they all work.  :)

[iddee]

Phil if you tested them, you must really enjoy pain. The wife always wins, so I know you didn't come out best in any of the tests.  :shock:

[cow pollinater]

Here's another quick way to start a fight. I tried it... it works...
I came home to a really messy house and my wife greated me with a big smile.  She said "I've lost ten pounds!".  I told her, "Don't worry honey, I'm sure you'll find it around here somewhere :-*."

[beee farmer]

Gosh!  you guys have to "think" about how to start a fight..... all I have to do is be myself

[philinacoma]

The wife always wins, so I know you didn't come out best in any of the tests.

Aint that the truth.

[Irwin]

I woke up this morning and it started. All I did is forget to put the toilet seat down.

[Jerrymac]

So if you have to put the seat down for her it is only fair she raises it for you.

[annette]

Thank goodness I don't have that problem. We have 2 bathrooms, one with the seat up, one with the seat down. Of course, if things get reversed, we don't worry about it. I just slam the seat down really hard so the whole house shakes.

(that was a joke, by the way!!)

[Brian D. Bray]

Usually all a man has to do to start a fight is say, "In my opinion....."

[Jerrymac]

Well I wear the pants in my family.....


The wife said I could say that

[beee farmer]

Well I wear the pants in my family.....


The wife said I could say that

I do too......She just tells me which pair to wear

[AllenF]

It just makes life easier that way.................   And I hate to wear the wrong shirt also.

[beee farmer]

LOL  my wifes pet peave is the tee shirts with propolis stains on the belly where I carry supers.  I keep digging them out of the laundry room trash and sticking them back in the hamper.   :-D  :devilbanana:

[AllenF]

You da man.   Set her off and start that fight. :-D

[Brian D. Bray]

Well I wear the pants in my family.....


The wife said I could say that

I do too......She just tells me which pair to wear

Until she tells you to wear the ones with the lace cuffs....right?

[beee farmer]

Well I wear the pants in my family.....


The wife said I could say that

I do too......She just tells me which pair to wear

Until she tells you to wear the ones with the lace cuffs....right?

Hummmmmm She not asked me about that yet.......A little role playin up might be FUN!!!! :piano:

[greenbtree]

Variation on a theme - "Why is it called PMS?  Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken."

JC

[beee farmer]

Ok here is the senario:
laying in bed... the wife sits up and says "stop that!"
Me: stop what?
Her: Stop that!
Me: what?
Her: Stop that.... that.......that breathing... in and out...in and out... all day and night!
Me: