National Apricot Day tomorrow

[Michael Bush]

Tomorrow is January 9
NATIONAL APRICOT DAY
NATIONAL LAW ENFORCEMENT APPRECIATION DAY
NATIONAL BALLOON ASCENSION DAY
NATIONAL STATIC ELECTRICITY DAY
INTERNATIONAL CHOREOGRAPHERS DAY

January 9th Celebrated (and Not So Celebrated) History
1793 A pioneering balloonist completes the first successful balloon flight in the United States. Ascending over a gathered crowd at the Walnut Street Prison in Philadelphia, French aeronaut Jean Pierre Blanchard demonstrates his hydrogen gas balloon.
1942 Joe Louis squares off in his 20th title defense at Madison Square Garden in New York City. He KOs Buddy Baer in the first round and retains his world heavyweight title.
2007 Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveils the first iPhone during his keynote session at the Macworld convention in San Francisco, CA.

January 9th Celebrated (and Not So Celebrated) Birthdays
Carrie Chapman Catt ? 1859 The suffragist and peace activist served as a powerful voice and offered information in an era of change for many women. In 1902, she founded the International Woman Suffrage Alliance. Catt later founded the Woman?s Peace Party. Her efforts along with other women in her lifetime and those before her led to the passage of the 19th amendment. In 1920, just before the amendment?s passage, Catt founded the League of Women Voters.
Gertrude Vanderbilt Whitney ? 1875 In 1931, the notable American sculptor founded the Whitney Museum of American Art in New York City.
Richard Nixon ? 1913 From 1953 to 1961, Nixon served the United States in the role of vice president. While campaigning with candidate Dwight Eisenhower in 1952, questions were raised about gifts Nixon prompting him to give the ?Checkers? speech. Then in 1968, Nixon ran his second, and successful, run for president. He became the 37th President of the United States. While he brought Americans home from Vietnam, the Watergate scandal resulted in Nixon submitting the first-ever resignation of a U.S. president.
Earl G. Graves Sr. ? 1935 In 1970, Graves founded Black Enterprise magazine. He also served as Chairman and CEO of Pepsi-Cola of Washington, D.C. as well as the director of several boards. Graves was also a champion of education.
Joan Baez ? 1941 The folk singer-songwriter gained a strong following during the 1960s. Her political activism drew many to her at a time when activism was growing. Some of her best-known songs include ?It?s All Over Now Baby Blue? and ?Diamonds and Rust.?

They say you are what you eat, so I bought myself some "ready to eat Apricots"
And after I bought them I was indeed, ready to eat Apricots.

Where do baby apes sleep?
Apricots.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Apricot
Apricot who?
Apricot how to use a doorbell, that's why I'm knocking.


The perfect crime was committed last night.
Someone broke into the police station and stole all the toilets. Police say they have nothing to go on.

What do you call a female police officer playing guitar?
She-riff.

Officer: ?I notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking??
Driver: ?I noticed your eyes are glazed over. Have you been eating donuts??

Did you hear the celery got arrested?
They charged him with stalking.

Cop: ?When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.?
Driver: ?You?re wrong, officer. It?s only my hat that makes me look that old.?

Officer: ?Why did you park here??
Me: ?The sign says, ?Fine for parking.'?

Judge: ?I thought I said that I never wanted to see you in here again.?
Criminal: ?That?s what I kept telling the arresting officer, but he wouldn?t listen.?

An officer observes a woman standing in the middle of the street.
He approaches her and asks, ?Are you OK?? The woman replies, ?Yes, but how do I get to the hospital?? The officer says, ?Just keep standing there.?

When caught speeding, an airman on leave tried to talk an officer out of giving him a ticket.
He asked, ?Would it make a difference if I told you I?m in the Air Force?? The police officer replied, ?Yes, but only if you were driving an airplane.?

On what show do police officers solve crimes committed by garden gnomes?
Lawn & Order.

What are the four food groups for cops?
Jelly, powdered, glazed, and chocolate frosted.

    An officer stops a man for speeding and notices he?s not wearing his required prescription glasses.
    Officer: ?I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses.? Driver: ?Officer, I have contacts.? Officer: ?I don?t care who you know, you?re still getting a ticket.?

A police officer pulled me over and said, ?Papers.?
I said, ?Scissors. I win!? and drove off. I guess he wants a rematch because he?s been following me for about 45 minutes.

A cop gives a woman a speeding ticket, and she wants to know why he didn?t give her a warning first.
The officer says, ?Ma?am, there are warnings posted up and down this highway. They say, ?Speed Limit 65.'?

What happens when a police officer goes to bed?
He becomes an undercover cop.

Officer: ?How high are you??
Driver: ?No, officer, it?s ?Hi, how are you?'?

Tourist: ?Are you a policeman??
Officer: ?No, I am an undercover detective.? Tourist: ?So, why are you in uniform?? Officer: ?Today is my day off.?

A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states.
Solid, liquid, and gas.

There?s a man in the town who?s stealing the wheels of police cars.
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

A woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer.
The cop asked to see her driver?s license. As she dug through her purse, she became more and more agitated. ?What does it look like?? the woman asked. The policewoman replied, ?It?s square, and it has your picture on it.? The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. ?Here it is,? she said. The officer looked at the mirror, handed it back and said, ?OK, you can go. I didn?t realize you were a cop.?

The police are trying to say I assaulted a guy with a sheet of sandpaper.
All I did was rough him up a bit.

Detective to perp: ?Did you kill this man??
Perp: ?No, he died of natural causes.?
Detective: ?He was shot!?
Perp: ?Right ? a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. So, he died of natural causes. Sheesh, I thought you were the detective here.?

Cop to perp: ?Where do you live??
Perp: ?With my parents.?
Cop: ?Where do your parents live??
Perp: ?With me.?
Cop: ?Where do you all live??
Perp: ?Together.?
Cop: ?Where is your house??
Perp: ?Next to my neighbor?s house.?
Cop: ?Where is your neighbor?s house.?
Perp: ?If I tell you, would you believe me??
Cop: ?Tell me.?
Perp: ?Next to my house.?

Who works in tandem with the grammar police?
Corrections officers.

How do cops greet people?
Policed to meet you!

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control
And yet cases continue to rise



    A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
    The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
    "You must be a programmer," said the balloonist.
    "I am" replied the woman,"How did you know?"
    "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
    The woman below responded, "You must be a manager."
    "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
    "Well," said the woman,"You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow "it's my fault."

My balloon elephant wouldn't fit in my backseat
So I had to pop the trunk

A friend of mine has recently started a hot air balloon business
He hasn't got it off the ground yet

I had a cousin who created a cold air balloon.
But it never took off

I was having an argument about balloons the other day . . .
I may have blown things out of proportion.

I bought a balloon for $0.99
How much should I sell it for after I adjust for inflation?

What do you put in a female balloon?
Shelium.

    An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman were riding in a hot-air balloon.
    The balloon was about to crash into a mountain, so the pilot says to them, "We need to lose more weight to get clear. One of you has to jump" So the Scotsman says "I do this for the glory of Scotland!" and he jumps out of the basket.
    But the balloon wasn't high enough yet. "We need to lose more weight!" the pilot says. So the Welshman says, "I do this for the glory of Wales!" and jumps out of the balloon to his death.
    "We need to lose the weight of just one more person, and we'll make it!" the pilot says. So the Irishman says, "I do this for the glory of old Ireland!" and he picks up the Englishman and throws him over the side.

Did anyone hear about that country who started using balloons as currency?
They ended up with a massive inflation problem.


For the first time in my life I can walk past a balloon and it doesn?t stick to me
I?m absolutely ex-static!

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.

The electrons couldn't wait to become lightning
When it happened, they were ex-static

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity?
She grounded him.

Did you hear about the suspect who was released from jail after he touched grounded metal and received a static shock?
He was cleared of all charges.

How do unborn chickens feel when you rub them on the carpet?
Egg-static!



You know what they say about a clean desk: It?s a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

"Can you fit any more Milky Way Chocolate Bars into your desk drawer there, Jim?"
"Nope, all outer space."

The only time I clean my desk is when I'm looking for candy

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, what is an empty desk the sign of?

A cluttered desk is a sign of genius.


How many choreographers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five! Six! Seven! Eight!

What did the dancer feel after a week of non-stop rehearsals with the choreographer?
The agony of de-feet.

Why did the dancer cross the road?
Because the coreographer wanted her to do the combination on the other side!

Why did the dancer not debate her choreographer?
She had a fair pointe.

What happened to the lady who was addicted to line dancing?
She joined a two-step program.

What did everyone think about the drunk man?s dancing?
It was just staggering!

What advice did Yoda?s choreographer give him?
Tendu or tendu not, there is no try.

Who do you call when you need someone who studies astrophysics and can perform a series of high kicks in a line at Radio City Music Hall?
A Rockette scientist!